Your Child Says School Is “Fine”. Ask These 5 Questions Anyway

The first few weeks of a new school year can be deceptive.

There is the novelty of a new classroom, a new teacher, perhaps new friends, new subjects and new routines. Everyone is finding their feet. Teachers are getting to know their classes and children are working out where they fit.

But around four weeks in, things begin to settle.

And that is a really good time to check in.

The problem is that the question most of us instinctively ask isn’t particularly useful.

It isn’t necessarily that children don’t want to talk to us. Sometimes our questions simply make it very easy to give us the answer they think we are looking for.

So instead of asking whether school is “good” or “bad”, try questions that reveal something about how your child is actually experiencing their day.

Here are five worth asking.

1. “If you could change one thing about your school day, what would it be?”

Don’t give them options. Let them decide what matters.

You might expect them to say less homework or longer break times. But you might hear:

Or they might genuinely tell you that they wouldn’t change anything.

The interesting part isn’t whether their answer sounds significant to an adult. It is what your child chooses when given the opportunity to change their environment.

2. “When during the school day do you feel most like yourself?”

This is a very different question from “Are you happy at school?”

Perhaps it is “When I’m playing football at break.” Or “In art.” Or “When I’m with my friends.” Or “When I’m reading in the library.” Or “In science.”

Those answers tell you where your child feels comfortable, competent or connected.

Then, if the conversation allows it, ask: “And when do you feel least like yourself?”

That is where things can get interesting.

A child may be perfectly capable of functioning in a particular environment while using an enormous amount of energy to do it. They may be worrying about getting things wrong, trying to keep up, navigating complicated friendships or working very hard to behave in the way they think adults expect.

You are not looking for a problem. You are trying to understand where your child gets to relax into being themselves, and where they don’t.

3. “What’s something at school you wish the adults understood about you?”

This question gives children an opportunity to tell you about the gap between what adults see and what they experience.

Adults inevitably interpret children’s behaviour from the outside. This question gives your child a chance to tell you what is happening on the inside.

4. “If you needed help tomorrow, which adult at school would you go to?”

You can make this more concrete: “If the work was too difficult, something happened with a friend, or you were really upset, who would you go to?”

This isn’t really a question about whether your child’s teacher is nice. You are trying to discover something more important.

If they immediately name somebody, that is reassuring. If they don’t know, can’t think of anyone, or say “I wouldn’t tell anybody”, don’t panic, but don’t dismiss it either.

Try: “What would make it easier to tell someone?”

Their answer may reveal that they don’t know when they are allowed to approach the teacher. Perhaps they are embarrassed. Maybe they are worried about getting somebody into trouble. Perhaps they tried asking for help previously and didn’t feel heard.

Four weeks into school, every child should ideally be beginning to know: when something goes wrong here, there is an adult I can go to.

5. “What takes the most energy out of you at school?”

Children don’t necessarily have words such as anxiety, sensory overload, executive-function difficulty, social pressure or cognitive overload.

But children understand tired.

That last one is particularly worth being curious about.

Equally, your child might shrug and say “nothing really”. That is useful information too.

We are not trying to diagnose children over the dinner table. We are trying to understand where their finite energy is going.

And Then Comes the Most Important Part: Listen

If your child says “Lunch.”, try not to immediately respond with:

You have just turned one interesting answer into an interrogation.

Silence can be surprisingly useful. Children will often tell us considerably more when we are curious rather than alarmed.

Ask these questions conversationally, in the car, walking the dog, while making dinner, rather than sitting your child down for the Four-Week School Performance Review. You don’t even need to ask all five on the same day.

Look for Patterns, Not Alarming Individual Answers

The real objective isn’t getting five perfect answers. It is finding out:

If the same person, lesson, place or part of the school day keeps appearing in different conversations, pay attention.

Not every difficult moment requires intervention. Children will have friendship disagreements. They will encounter teachers they don’t immediately click with. Some lessons will be boring. Some days will simply be rubbish.

But patterns tell us something. And spotting those patterns four weeks into term gives us an opportunity to understand what is happening before a small difficulty has had months to become a big one.

Related reading: 7 Questions That Can Change Your Relationship With Your Child This Week, Your Child Isn’t “Struggling”, My Child Hates School. What’s Really Going On?, and A Smart Parent Quiz: How Is My Child Really Doing?